Humble

hum·ble


adjective

1. not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.

2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.

3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.

4. courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong. (HA!)

5. low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.

verb (used with object)

6. to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase.

7. to destroy the independence, power, or will of.

8. to make meek: to humble one's heart.

Soooo, the other day I was talking/whining to God about my perceived insecurity issue. I kept hearing the word humble. I thought, I try like HECK to be humble, and will go out of my way to keep someone from thinking I feel superior, because I don't AT ALL. Why was that word surfacing? I realized I am humble to a fault.
And I kept thinking, how do you balance out being humble with being true to who you are. Then I looked up "humble", and guess what, I'm not the only one who sees the good and bad side of that word. I highlighted the negative ones, the lack mentality defintions. The first defintion is what humble should look like, but I was seeing humble as more like 2 and 3.
See, I have this problem sometimes. I will say things about myself that I don't believe, just to relate to someone. Like, "I do that too", or "I'm this or I'm that"...in negative ways often. And I am not being dishonest, at some point, I could relate, and maybe sometimes I still can. People want to relate, it is natural, but we should strive to relate in secureness of who we are, not who we are not.
Honestly, I know who I am, deep down, and somewhere along the path from the heart to the head to the mouth, I mess it up. For the sake of sounding "humble", I will downplay who I am so that I don't appear to know what I know. And it's not arrogance, it has nothing to do with comparison to someone else or feeling superior. In fact, I will make myself sound ignorant to make someone else feel more comfortable. (yes, I have issues) Some people might say that is kind/sweet, but it's not a peaceful feeling, because I am not representing myself well. And words have POWER, so I shouldn't speak falsely about myself.
It's really about knowing how much God loves me, and when I can really see that, I should accept it. It's like my spirit is whispering, "why are you saying that? It's not true." I might have believe it in the past, but once I know my identity isn't based upon my weaknesses, I should stop professing them.
When I write, I can really express my heart. But when I am talking to someone, for the sake of being "humble", I often don't share what my spirit says. This is all related to my conversation with God about insecurity. Turns out, I am really not that insecure, I know my identity in Him, so that's another false perception of myself. I think I have tried so hard to be humble, that I've made it negative and it appeared as though I am insecure. I'm thankful that God corrected my thinking, because now I see it for what it is, and make steps in the right direction.
So now I understand what humble means and what it doesn't, and how we can be humble to a fault! TRYING to be humble, instead of operating out of my identity, which is naturally humble and successful, is where I was in error. I have a lot of learning to do, a lot of wisdom to hear, and my hope is that while I'm receiving, I can learn to be comfortable representing myself with confidence. I have to learn not to care so much about other's opinions, because most of the time, it's a vain imagination to think someone else is judging me. And even if they are, oh well, it's not true, my Daddy says so. :)


P.S. This was really hard to publish, but I humbled myself to put it out there, because maybe it will minister to someone else.