Never Give Up

This blog was originally started as a way for me to share Noah's journey and how far he has come since his birth.  Somewhere along the way, he just got so much better, that I honestly didn't have much to write about.  He's so perfect, it's ridiculous.  We are so amazingly thankful for what God has done in His life and how he has made us so strong as a family through those few tough first years.  Sure we still have a few appointments here and there, but he's come a long way baby!

This blog has morphed into a lot of things since then but today I'm gonna come right back to where I started, with another testimony in physical healing.  This time it's my own personal journey, and is a testament to holding on to His promises, even when you feel like giving up.

Around this exact time 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  It hit me quickly and harshly, I had almost every single symptom associated with a slow thyroid.  I began taking a synthetic replacement hormone and was told I would feel a lot better.  Although it was discovered fairly quickly due to having a family history, I have rarely felt like "myself" since.  If you haven't experienced thyroid problems or know someone who has, it is very hard to understand the physical and mental toll it can take on your life.

When I got pregnant with Noah, my thyroid issues got a little worse.  Then I lost my second baby to miscarriage, and it got even worse.  Then I had Elijah and had a terrible case of hyperthyroidism, overactive thyroid,  and decided to stop taking my medicine.  Bad decision.  And after I had my sweet Ava Mae, it got really bad and my levels were all over the place.  I began feeling really bad physically and mentally.  It kept getting worse despite doing everything I knew, so I decided to go see someone different.  My little sister had recommended someone to me who helps with women's thyroid and hormonal issues, so I made an appointment and prayed she could help me.  

So after my first visit and several labs, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which is basically an autoimmune disease where your body attacks your thyroid.  My doctor (she's actually a FNP, but I call her my doctor because she rocks) told me to start a gluten free diet because many patients of hers were seeing great success in removing gluten from their diet.  So I did.  She put me on a different type of thyroid medication, some new supplements, and gave me some book recommendations.  I was so thrilled!  Someone was finally helping me treat and discover the cause and not mask the symptoms!  

Over the past year, I have worked my tail off seeking health.  I have tried supplements, herbs, detoxes, raw food, juicing....some with good results, some with not so good results.  I have felt like crap more than I have felt good.  I have battled mental issues like anxiety and depression due to this illness.  I have cried a lot.  I have prayed a lot.  I have felt overwhelmed a lot.  I have been very hard on myself because I couldn't figure out how to get better despite trying so hard.  I could see slow improvement, and was thankful for each one, but it was hard to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

I can't tell you how many times I have prayed or had my thyroid prayed for, how many positive affirmations I have spoken, how many hours of research I've done.....all the while feeling like I wasn't getting very far.  Like I said, I was thankful for any ounce of improvement, but when you don't feel good most of the time, it is overwhelming when you try so hard and see little results.  But I never have and never will give up.

About a month ago, I had some labs done and my antibodies came back normal.  To be honest, I am still not sure I believe it, but that's what it said.  They have always been super high.  So I went to see my doctor, and cried in her office.  Not tears of joy, but tears of frustration.  "I am so overwhelmed, I just don't feel good.  I don't feel like I can ever do enough. I can't "mess up" or I suffer for it.  My anxiety is extreme."  Full out baby cry.  She looks at me, probably not sure what to say,  then glances at her little computer, then makes the statement, "I didn't know you had MTHFR?"  Yes, I know, it looks like she said a bad word....but she didn't cuss at me.  Then she said, "you know this can cause extreme anxiety and there is a new medicine for this right?"  Nope, I didn't know. 

I found out I had the genetic disorder MTHFR(Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) when I was pregnant with Eli 5 years ago.  My OB, who is also amazing, ran tests after I lost the baby, and discovered that I had 2 genetic markers that caused folic acid deficiency and increased risk of blood clots.  So I took a bunch of extra folic acid and gave myself a blood thinner shot every day.  Elijah and Ava were born perfectly healthy, so I was very thankful that she discovered what could have caused Noah's birth defects and the miscarriage.  I did a bunch of research, to find out that not much was known back then other than precautions to take during pregnancy, so I kind of filed it away in my brain.

So she tells me I will start this new medication, which is basically the form of folic acid my body is deficient in and it should help with the anxiety at least.  Being the researcher that I am, I go home and start reading and googling.  I discover that in the past 4 years, this condition has been linked to almost EVERY SINGLE health issue I have faced and is linked to the birth defects Noah was born with.  It felt like I had just put a jigsaw puzzle together.  Could the root cause of my health problems lie in this genetic disorder that I have had MY WHOLE LIFE?  Time will tell and I now know the next steps to take to healing my body.

So I have been on this medication for almost a month.  Do I feel 100% better?  No, but I have seen improvements.  My anxiety levels really have gotten so much better,  and my brain fog has cleared up a bit.  I still have a ton of non-desired symptoms, but I'm seeing a glimpse of hope for the first time in a long time.

I'm sharing this, not for pity or pride, but to explain the biggest lessons I have learned throughout this journey to healing.  After my doctor made this link, I felt like I had experienced a miracle.  Something in my spirit just told me that this whole process was the work of my Father.  I don't understand why it took place like it did, but I trust that it happened like it was supposed to.  I have been SO hard on myself because I felt like I wasn't doing enough.  When the whole time, God has been providing the stepping stones for my walk to health.  I have seen those stepping stones as stumbling blocks many times.  I was doing the best I could, but that never felt like enough.  All those choices I was making were leading me to this moment.  I KNOW without a doubt and trusted that God was helping me, but I was judging myself so harshly for something I have NO control over.  

In reality, it was NOT my fault.  I didn't choose to be born with this, I didn't even know I had it.  But the choice I did make, was to believe His Word.  There are many great scriptures on healing, but this is one of my favorites:

"Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth." Jeremiah 33:6

I would get frustrated many times after an instantaneous healing didn't take place, I would doubt my faith.  I saw healing happening a specific way, and I just wasn't "getting it".  I have actually realized for a long time that He has been leading me on this path, but where I was in error was to be so hard on myself, as if I had some control other than the choice to trust Him!  Even though I felt frustrated many times, I never gave up on His promise.  And I will never give up.  He is guiding me on this journey, each small step or giant leap, and I trust Him completely.

I am not 100% better, I still feel the effects of the physical body due to my body being nutrient deficient for my whole life.  Many people can relate, and many people relate on a much more serious level.  I know that we all have our different walk, our different challenges, and our different outcomes.  The miracle I am experiencing, on top of actually starting to feel a little better, is a new level of trust.  I am letting go of the blame I have placed on myself for many years.  I have always felt like I haven't had the "right formula" despite knowing deep in my heart that is a ridiculous thought.  There is no right formula, there is only trusting the One who loves us so much, He WILL lead us to victory.  It may be a long road, it may feel like stepping on tiny pebbles, but within lies His wisdom.  I am confident that I will keep unlocking mysteries because I am trusting the process more and more each day.  The journey is all those steps that I saw as stumbling stones.  They brought me here, to this revelation, and I am so thankful.

Many times when we think of a miracle, we look for an instantaneous, emotion tickling experience. Sure, that happens sometimes, but sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it takes a while and it's hard to be patient.  But I'm here with this testimony to encourage you to walk with the Father on your journey, trust Him.  Never give up, His promises are for all who choose them.  It may take a lifetime, but never give up, the more we see our identity in Him, the clearer His presence becomes. Trust the breath of God inside of us, trust that in Christ all things are possible, and trust that no matter how many times we fall down, the next stepping stone is being placed for our feet.  Will we see it as a stumbling stone or see Him guiding us along the path?  He doesn't leave your side, no matter what you are walking through.