Miracles

I have came across a lot of blogs, stories, etc. the past few days that have so many different views on the nature of God. What is God's role in the good and bad experiences of life? I don't have all the answers, in fact I sometimes get overwhelmed thinking about this, but I believe God IS love. And if I believe that, I have to see His goodness in every situation, no matter how tragic it may seem. Some people believe God "allows" or sends trials our way to make us stronger or teach us a lesson. Well, why I understand that mentality comes from man's view on how we "grow" into mature people, I don't think I would want a relationship with a God who allowed/caused me hardship to teach me a lesson. Some people say they welcome these trials, but deep down I think you have to have trust issues with God if you feel this way.
Two personal examples that I can elaborate on are Noah's health issues and the loss of my second pregnancy.
As I have documented in this blog about our experiences with Noah's birth defects, we have received our obvious "miracles" and we are still dealing with some things we would like to be different. Noah's heart was healed, obvious miracle manifested in many ways including doctor's care. You have to change your view on limiting God's miracles. I see the two defects that closed on their own a miracle, but I also see the surgery that allowed the third defect to be repaired without cutting his chest open a miracle. It took me a while to see things this way, it wasn't easy to understand why his heart wasn't instantly naturally repaired and we could avoid surgery alltogether. I went through the emotions just like many parents, "what am I doing wrong that only part of his birth defects are being healed?" I thought maybe I was missing a key link in my faith walk that would allow Noah to be completely restored to "perfect."
So I was trying to figure all of this out when I got pregnant and lost my baby at 10 weeks. It was so hard, too much to bear for a while. I felt like being a mother made me a whole person, why oh why were my children suffering these things when I knew what kind of life we could provide for them. It just didn't seem fair at all that so many women don't want their children, abuse and neglect their bodies and sometimes their children after they are born. And here I was wanting desperately to just have a "normal" experience and share that desire to be a mother without heartache. Jason and I prayed for a "miracle", that the next day a heartbeat would be detected. We had been hearing teachings on our authority in Christ and were still processing what this meant. We thought if we had this so-called authority, we should be able to manifest it and this child could be brought back from the dead. Even through the confusion, I felt God's comfort, I knew he didn't take this child from me, why even allow the pregnancy if the baby wasn't "meant" to be here. That is cruelty at it's worst to a mother. I wanted our prayers of "authority" to manifest and see a heartbeat the next day, but it just didn't happen. I had a very small peace knowing God didn't cause this or take away my child, but I still wondered why our prayers didn't manifest a miracle. Jason took this really hard and felt like his faith in this authority wasn't strong enough to bring our child back. Deep down, I knew this wasn't true and tried to comfort his pain, but honestly, I didn't completely know why myself. My only comfort was knowing that this wasn't the end, I will have eternity with my baby. Time here on earth will seem like a blink of an eye in comparison, and I look forward to spending it with him. (I think our baby is a boy, so we named him Matthew, which means gift from God.)
Then, came the lessons, the wisdom, the TRUE goodness of God shining through our hardships. His LOVE rescued me, not in ways I thought, but beyond the scope of understanding. The true nature of God was revealed to my heart and that is the goodness of God to make my life richer through hardship. He didn't cause/allow ANYTHING bad to happen to my family, He provided us a way to heal in a way beyond my reasoning, beyond the world's definition of miracles. His grace, His love, His desire to have a personal relationship withe me manifested in ways I can't describe. He taught me how to see Noah as PERFECT! Yes, physically Noah still has defects and YES I want them to be gone, but if they never change instantly, if he has to have more surgery to repair his body, I will see the miracle in each situation. I know how to receive the true peace of God in making decisions for my life and my childrens, and that is the biggest miracle of all. Does this mean I won't make a mistake or feel heartache if we face another challenge? No way, I have emotions just like every other person but I don't feel confused anymore about my role in manifesting the miracles we all want. Anytime we try to make ourselves the reason, the power, the fault of what happens in our lives when it is beyond our control, we live in a bipolar state of mind wondering what we did wrong or right; feeling self-righteous or like a failure, feeling in control and hopeless, desperate to understand why bad things happen. I know that we can make decisions that alter our paths, that's just common sense. You go out, get wasted, kill someone in a car wreck, well that has nothing to do with God, your decision caused a tragedy, end of story.
But what I am talking about are the things that happen and there is no reasoning or fault in the process of understanding "why." I may have found out my "why" in my situation with my children, but there is no way for me to know for certain. I found out early during my pregnancy with Elijah that I had a genetic blood clotting disorder that caused poor folic acid absorption and increased my risk for early miscarriage. So maybe this is what happened to cause Noah's body to form birth defects and the loss of Matthew, but I will never know for sure. I felt a little guilt for a while, but it wasn't a purposeful decision and I couldn't blame myself for simply not knowing. I received another miracle with Elijah, this can be treated during pregnancy and have normal pregnancies and healthy babies. I will have to admit that this did give me some healing and peace, to finally have a "normal" birthing experience.
But the lessons and revelations I've learned through the challenges in my life are what have brought me to this awesome understanding of my wonderful loving Father. I never had to deal with thinking he caused or allowed these things to happen, but I did wonder why He didn't change them to what I thought should manifest. I chose to see the miracles around me every day. People wait and wait for these supernatural miracles and limit God in defining what a miracle means to them. God's miracles are abounding everyday in many ways. We are here to manifest miracles for one another through Him, I don't want to miss out on seeing those opportunities by a limiting definition of what a miracle is. I don't feel pressure to make miracles happen, but am open to seeing them in every area of my life. God is good, He IS love, life can be tough and unfair, some people receive miracles that are praised greatly while other miracles go unnoticed. But choose to see them in your life, don't limit God to the supernatural, attention getting miracles in life. You have the ability to manifest miracles simply by just receiving His love. Praying harder, living better, knowing your authority may embrace some sense of power, but when those things let you down, life just doesn't make sense. We live in a world where bad things happen to good people for no apparent reason at all, that is not going to change. What can change is your ability to overcome these obstacles by seeing the goodness of God, receiving His love, not blaming or wondering "why" you deserved to go through this or what you did wrong. Seeing miracles in their truest form has been the biggest blessing in my life, not limiting God and defining who He is through religions standards. He is so much more, so gracious, so loving, anything that questions these qualities or makes you draw away from a relationship should send off warning bells to your soul. We have an internal wisdom that the world can't destroy if we allow it to manifest. Don't limit God by religion or your abilities to perform, He is waiting for you to open your heart and start seeing the miracles of life. There is no formula you have to have, no specific prayer, no glorious lifestyle to receive His pure, unconditional love. About 8 months ago I let go and simply told God that I had no idea how to get to the place of true understanding of this love, grace, and mercy, but gave Him complete power to infiltrate this revelation into the deepest core of my being. It's hard to put into words, but I get it, I still have a lot to receive but I feel true peace for the first time in my life and I can say that God is 100% love and FOR ME in every situation, and really mean it.