Noah will be 9 on October 11th. NINE!!
We didn't get "normal." And for years, I was really sad about that. His birth was traumatic, we were introduced to the reality of his congenital birth defects. I held him for maybe 2 minutes, and they took him away. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew something wasn't right. Several hours later, he was transported to the NICU at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. All I could think about was him being with complete strangers in that ambulance ride wondering where his Mama was. They gave me sleeping medicine because I couldn't stop crying or relax after a 25 hour labor. I needed rest, but I wanted my baby. The next morning, I had to look back at an empty car seat, and had my first real BIG breakdown, as we travelled to be with Noah in Nashville. He saw his nursery at 8 days old. His first years were filled with one appointment after another, and several surgeries. This was our normal.
It's been HARD, really hard at times to see your child go through one struggle after another. I've been mad as hell at times. I've held myself together most of the time. I've been thankful because we don't have it as bad as some families. I've ridden an emotional Mama roller coaster so many times. I've felt nauseous and wanted to throw up those emotions to never see them again. But they keep coming, I keep riding, it's impossible not to.
But each time, this ride feels a little more familiar. I see that twist, that turn, that heart stopping free fall drop. My heart has been conditioned to experience the ride. It hasn't become easy, and I haven't stopped feeling uneasy. But each time, I recover faster, I react with less frantic-ness, I ride without screaming.
Noah, my sweet sweet boy. He is the most precious gift. This roller coaster ride we've been on, it's been exciting too. It's been wonderful even when it didn't feel like it. His spirit is so unique, and so beautiful. He still hasn't ever asked me "why", he just does what is required, with amazing strength, and with strength I've never seen in a human being. And he doesn't get overwhelmed on this ride like his Mama does. Oh what he's taught me!
Beyond all of the pain, the physical exhaustion, the emotional ups and downs, the trying of my faith......I wouldn't trade these 9 years with this amazing boy for another experience. I've become a better person because I was trusted to be his mother. It's super hard to explain how I've come to this place of thankfulness. Because the truth is, I would take every single hardship away if I could, but I can see something beautiful coming out of his life. Noah's purpose here is unique and it's not my job to try to change that.
It helps me understand Jesus and his sacrifice for me more. God's ONLY son. I'm sure he wanted to take his pain away, but he knew, something beautiful would result from His walk here on Earth. He knew the struggles would bring freedom, would bless many, and that he was strong enough. Many others on this Earth are walking out struggles, watching their children walk through something they wish they could take away. But oh the beauty that will come from a life destined by the Maker of us all. I still ask God for answers, I still get angry sometimes, and I still pray for healing even when I don't understand or wonder if I'm being heard. I don't know as much about Him as I used to think I did, but I do know one thing, I can TRUST Him. Life has confused the heck out of my theology.
I know this.....He loves Noah, myself, and my whole family more than I can possibly fathom. So why wouldn't He take care of us. He gave HIS life for me. I'm pretty sure that's all I really need to know.
