Never Give Up

This blog was originally started as a way for me to share Noah's journey and how far he has come since his birth.  Somewhere along the way, he just got so much better, that I honestly didn't have much to write about.  He's so perfect, it's ridiculous.  We are so amazingly thankful for what God has done in His life and how he has made us so strong as a family through those few tough first years.  Sure we still have a few appointments here and there, but he's come a long way baby!

This blog has morphed into a lot of things since then but today I'm gonna come right back to where I started, with another testimony in physical healing.  This time it's my own personal journey, and is a testament to holding on to His promises, even when you feel like giving up.

Around this exact time 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  It hit me quickly and harshly, I had almost every single symptom associated with a slow thyroid.  I began taking a synthetic replacement hormone and was told I would feel a lot better.  Although it was discovered fairly quickly due to having a family history, I have rarely felt like "myself" since.  If you haven't experienced thyroid problems or know someone who has, it is very hard to understand the physical and mental toll it can take on your life.

When I got pregnant with Noah, my thyroid issues got a little worse.  Then I lost my second baby to miscarriage, and it got even worse.  Then I had Elijah and had a terrible case of hyperthyroidism, overactive thyroid,  and decided to stop taking my medicine.  Bad decision.  And after I had my sweet Ava Mae, it got really bad and my levels were all over the place.  I began feeling really bad physically and mentally.  It kept getting worse despite doing everything I knew, so I decided to go see someone different.  My little sister had recommended someone to me who helps with women's thyroid and hormonal issues, so I made an appointment and prayed she could help me.  

So after my first visit and several labs, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which is basically an autoimmune disease where your body attacks your thyroid.  My doctor (she's actually a FNP, but I call her my doctor because she rocks) told me to start a gluten free diet because many patients of hers were seeing great success in removing gluten from their diet.  So I did.  She put me on a different type of thyroid medication, some new supplements, and gave me some book recommendations.  I was so thrilled!  Someone was finally helping me treat and discover the cause and not mask the symptoms!  

Over the past year, I have worked my tail off seeking health.  I have tried supplements, herbs, detoxes, raw food, juicing....some with good results, some with not so good results.  I have felt like crap more than I have felt good.  I have battled mental issues like anxiety and depression due to this illness.  I have cried a lot.  I have prayed a lot.  I have felt overwhelmed a lot.  I have been very hard on myself because I couldn't figure out how to get better despite trying so hard.  I could see slow improvement, and was thankful for each one, but it was hard to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

I can't tell you how many times I have prayed or had my thyroid prayed for, how many positive affirmations I have spoken, how many hours of research I've done.....all the while feeling like I wasn't getting very far.  Like I said, I was thankful for any ounce of improvement, but when you don't feel good most of the time, it is overwhelming when you try so hard and see little results.  But I never have and never will give up.

About a month ago, I had some labs done and my antibodies came back normal.  To be honest, I am still not sure I believe it, but that's what it said.  They have always been super high.  So I went to see my doctor, and cried in her office.  Not tears of joy, but tears of frustration.  "I am so overwhelmed, I just don't feel good.  I don't feel like I can ever do enough. I can't "mess up" or I suffer for it.  My anxiety is extreme."  Full out baby cry.  She looks at me, probably not sure what to say,  then glances at her little computer, then makes the statement, "I didn't know you had MTHFR?"  Yes, I know, it looks like she said a bad word....but she didn't cuss at me.  Then she said, "you know this can cause extreme anxiety and there is a new medicine for this right?"  Nope, I didn't know. 

I found out I had the genetic disorder MTHFR(Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) when I was pregnant with Eli 5 years ago.  My OB, who is also amazing, ran tests after I lost the baby, and discovered that I had 2 genetic markers that caused folic acid deficiency and increased risk of blood clots.  So I took a bunch of extra folic acid and gave myself a blood thinner shot every day.  Elijah and Ava were born perfectly healthy, so I was very thankful that she discovered what could have caused Noah's birth defects and the miscarriage.  I did a bunch of research, to find out that not much was known back then other than precautions to take during pregnancy, so I kind of filed it away in my brain.

So she tells me I will start this new medication, which is basically the form of folic acid my body is deficient in and it should help with the anxiety at least.  Being the researcher that I am, I go home and start reading and googling.  I discover that in the past 4 years, this condition has been linked to almost EVERY SINGLE health issue I have faced and is linked to the birth defects Noah was born with.  It felt like I had just put a jigsaw puzzle together.  Could the root cause of my health problems lie in this genetic disorder that I have had MY WHOLE LIFE?  Time will tell and I now know the next steps to take to healing my body.

So I have been on this medication for almost a month.  Do I feel 100% better?  No, but I have seen improvements.  My anxiety levels really have gotten so much better,  and my brain fog has cleared up a bit.  I still have a ton of non-desired symptoms, but I'm seeing a glimpse of hope for the first time in a long time.

I'm sharing this, not for pity or pride, but to explain the biggest lessons I have learned throughout this journey to healing.  After my doctor made this link, I felt like I had experienced a miracle.  Something in my spirit just told me that this whole process was the work of my Father.  I don't understand why it took place like it did, but I trust that it happened like it was supposed to.  I have been SO hard on myself because I felt like I wasn't doing enough.  When the whole time, God has been providing the stepping stones for my walk to health.  I have seen those stepping stones as stumbling blocks many times.  I was doing the best I could, but that never felt like enough.  All those choices I was making were leading me to this moment.  I KNOW without a doubt and trusted that God was helping me, but I was judging myself so harshly for something I have NO control over.  

In reality, it was NOT my fault.  I didn't choose to be born with this, I didn't even know I had it.  But the choice I did make, was to believe His Word.  There are many great scriptures on healing, but this is one of my favorites:

"Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth." Jeremiah 33:6

I would get frustrated many times after an instantaneous healing didn't take place, I would doubt my faith.  I saw healing happening a specific way, and I just wasn't "getting it".  I have actually realized for a long time that He has been leading me on this path, but where I was in error was to be so hard on myself, as if I had some control other than the choice to trust Him!  Even though I felt frustrated many times, I never gave up on His promise.  And I will never give up.  He is guiding me on this journey, each small step or giant leap, and I trust Him completely.

I am not 100% better, I still feel the effects of the physical body due to my body being nutrient deficient for my whole life.  Many people can relate, and many people relate on a much more serious level.  I know that we all have our different walk, our different challenges, and our different outcomes.  The miracle I am experiencing, on top of actually starting to feel a little better, is a new level of trust.  I am letting go of the blame I have placed on myself for many years.  I have always felt like I haven't had the "right formula" despite knowing deep in my heart that is a ridiculous thought.  There is no right formula, there is only trusting the One who loves us so much, He WILL lead us to victory.  It may be a long road, it may feel like stepping on tiny pebbles, but within lies His wisdom.  I am confident that I will keep unlocking mysteries because I am trusting the process more and more each day.  The journey is all those steps that I saw as stumbling stones.  They brought me here, to this revelation, and I am so thankful.

Many times when we think of a miracle, we look for an instantaneous, emotion tickling experience. Sure, that happens sometimes, but sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it takes a while and it's hard to be patient.  But I'm here with this testimony to encourage you to walk with the Father on your journey, trust Him.  Never give up, His promises are for all who choose them.  It may take a lifetime, but never give up, the more we see our identity in Him, the clearer His presence becomes. Trust the breath of God inside of us, trust that in Christ all things are possible, and trust that no matter how many times we fall down, the next stepping stone is being placed for our feet.  Will we see it as a stumbling stone or see Him guiding us along the path?  He doesn't leave your side, no matter what you are walking through.    

     

  
      

Choices and Love

Choices, we all make them, every second of every day.

Today Noah woke up and chose to wear his Mario costume, complete with rain boots.  He wore it to the eye doctor and to Sam's.  He was adored everywhere we went.  In his 6 year old mind, he IS Mario in that costume.

This is an older picture, but how cute are my little buddies!

Eli, opted for his Luigi hat only, rain boots, sunglasses, and a spider man t-shirt.  He also carried his toy of the week, a transformers car, in his hat.  

Both boys woke up and made the choice of what was important for them.  What represented them.  Noah is a detail oriented little guy.  He likes everything to be in order.  Mario needs a mustache, boots and white gloves, or he just isn't really Mario.

Eli is more eclectic in his thinking.  The mustache aggravates him, and he likes a little bit of everything he loves to be represented.  NO order required, except once he decides that day's items, they are CRUCIAL to have at ALL times.  In fact, typical order is too much to think about for him.  A little of this, a little of that, and he is happy.  We often say he lives on Planet Eli and the only one who is weird enough to visit is his Daddy, who resides on Planet Jason.

We love both of these boys with ALL of our hearts.  Gosh, so much, I couldn't even begin to TRY to describe it.  I get teary eyed just trying to express it.  They play together so well, rarely fight, and when they do, it's resolved quickly.

Elijah is amazingly quick to forgive and moves on about his business in lightening speed.  He is quick to say he is sorry also, and he MEANS it.  He is rough and tumble, tough(unless Mama happens to see the fall), and is MY boy.  He LOVES his Mama.  He rubs our thumb as comfort and sneaks into our bed almost every night.  He loves physical affection and his sweet smile will melt your heart in half.  

Noah, while he is more stubborn, has the most tender heart, and is so so gentle and caring that he rarely gets in trouble.  He is our protector, keeps Eli and Ava safe and secure.  He has what some call an "old soul".  Bright beyond his years, and kindness that reaches to the heavens.  My Mama asked me if I noticed how when he talks you can tell he's "seeing" it in his head.  Perfect way to describe his spirit.  So present, so intuitive, so so sweet!!

In some ways, they are very similar, but they are also very different.  They have unconditional love from their parents (and grandparents), and it's hard to describe how you love two totally different children in different ways, but exactly the same!  And don't worry, we love Ava JUST as much, but this is going somewhere. ;)

Two little boys, 2.8 years apart, about the same size, similar interests, and from the same 2 parents are SO incredibly different.

Doesn't that represent our God's family, you know, the one we all belong to?  We are all so so different.  No two people are exactly the same, yet we come from the same creator.  Our Father loves us unconditionally and loves us all the SAME and DELIGHTS in our unique qualities.  We are made in His image.  So therefore, we have the ability to love like Him.

I know it's impossible to TRY to love someone else as much as your own children.  But if you think about parents who have adopted children, they say the same thing, "no difference on the love meter, we love them beyond comprehension."  I can say this as an aunt of adorable adopted twins, I loved them immediately, and it's from my in-laws, no blood relation whatsoever.  I also know it's easier to love children.  They are so sweet and innocent.  Many have seen things they shouldn't, so maybe they don't act so sweet, but it's hard to say you could "hate" a child.

I absolutely know what Jesus meant when he said to have faith like a child, they just trust us to take care of them.  And in a home where He is invited, they feel secure.

So, what if we have the ability to look beyond our differences and love unconditionally?  Isn't that hard to even begin to try to fathom?!  It's easy to say we love our neighbor, but oh my gosh, have you seen some of the neighborhoods out there today? It's NOT EASY! It will NEVER be easy!  But we HAVE to try.  As members of the Most Royal family, we are called to LOVE!  Even the most weird of weirdos who could REALLY have their own planet.

I think first of all, you have to begin with loving yourself.  I'm not talking about self-centeredness either.  I'm talking about seeing your value, seeing Christ in you, that living, ever so present God who vibrates this planet.  It is a journey in itself, especially if you have never had someone tell you GOD LOVES YOU!  He does, yes he does!  God so loved the world, it says in His word, and We are the world, we are the children.  He loves you and can get you out of ANY mess, just dig down deep if you've made choices that have buried His voice, it never leaves you.  He loves you and can teach you to LOVE yourself.  I am proof of that miracle.  I still have to remind myself to let go of old thought patterns, but I'm always reminded I have what it takes to heal from any scars.  Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to "love your neighbor as yourself."  If you don't love yourself very much, it's hard to love those around you.

Once you know God loves you, and you start beginning to see that he created you to be loved, and to love, it gets easier to love those that seem unloveable.  Does this mean you let everyone act a fool and run all over you?  Nope. Not at all.  It really doesn't mean you do anything to try to get anyone to love you back.  You choose love by how you live your life.  We have really no control over anything except choosing to hear His voice in any circumstance.  When you plug in to that, you automatically exude love and give people hope.  It's really effortless and doesn't require anything from anyone.

We are all very different, we are all His creation, we can all learn to get along better by first learning to accept His love, which radiates naturally out of our hearts.  Does that seem hard?  Sometimes it will.  But when you get so aggravated at someone, let it teach you.  Examine those thoughts and learn from them.  Many times it's some sort of strong hold we need to release.  Other people should not be able to steal your joy.  I am working on this, as I tend to want everyone to "get along", but I am learning from this. My desire for everyone to "get along", is rooted in something the Lord has been able to heal me from.  I know everyone isn't going to "get along", but I can still choose love for those I have direct contact with.  I can still see those differences between others, but not get emotionally involved and let it steal my peace.  I can choose to stay plugged in. I can choose to keep my race going strong and letting his Love flow through my life.

So to tie this all back together....I have 2 boys who may look a lot alike on the outside, but they are so very different.  I love them for their differences, I can see why they choose what they do, it's WHO they are.  They are loved unconditionally by Jason and I, they are not perfect, but nothing will EVER change how much we love our children.

Is it possible to see how different we all are, even though if we were walking together down the street we would seem similar, and to love one another because we love ourselves?

We can have faith that we will be taken care of, that no matter the circumstance, He will get us through it.  Then we can shine and radiate out of a natural love that only comes from a Father.  We are His image, let's plug in and show the world how BRIGHT love can be.  It is possible to share love without condition when you know the One who loves you most, is guiding you every single choice of the way.  

We went to the ZOO!