It's probably safe to say that most of my life decisions have hinged on emotions. These emotions were triggered by circumstances, sometimes within my control, sometimes beyond it. Until about six months ago, I didn't realize I was allowing them to control my life. It was a helpless feeling and I did not know how to change! I've always labeled myself an "emo" or emotional person, almost with pride. I have a lot of mercy in my heart, a lot, so it felt good to say I was emotional, kind of like having mercy on myself for having a reason to react a certain way. I am a thinker, a visionary type person, so I often want answers and direction and want it now. I want to be the BEST me I can be, mostly out of control. eeeek, yes, control, I envision something and control until I get there through emotions. Or at least that is what I did, God is bringing me to amazing places in transforming my heart concerning this.
I felt like there was this one "perfect" path destined for my life and I HAD to figure it out. It changed often, as often as the wind blows at times. But my emotions said "this feels right" based on life right now. Ughh uggh ughh! So now I see there was some truth in seeing a path. It's to give me a sense of direction, but not to figure out EVERY.SINGLE.ASPECT and forget about letting God lead me in the present. oops. :-/ So now that I have seen this revelation, I look back over circumstances in my life, some created, some just that happened because this is a fallen world, and I notice that I reacted out of emotion and sent myself on a path that maybe I wasn't supposed to be on. God has blessed and honored me through it all, but he has also, ever so gently, because I chose to see what was already there, had MERCY on me and is revealing truths to me.
I don't have it all figured out, and some days I am very confused and all over the place, but I still feel thankful that He rescued me from myself. I'm still resting in the revelation that circumstances do not have to control my emotions, or vise versa. There are truths that do not change, no matter what is going on in my life. I am learning I am exactly who I was created to be and to be okay with my "normal". And even though I'm not absolutely sure what that is yet, it's nice to finally accept myself as the daughter of the King, and know and trust that will be revealed to me. It's okay to be me and live in that realm of peace and contentment no matter what is going on around me or what other people are doing. Priceless revelation!
