Wow, it has been a while since my last entry. I have honestly just been so busy since Elijah's birth that I haven't done much writing at all. I was reminded the other day that it is a passion of mine so I thought I would give myself a few moments just to reflect on what has transpired over the past months.
Well, maybe not...ha ha ha, I hear my little man Elijah crying for me. This is my life..enough time to get one thought out and then back to taking care of precious little boys. I love it!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The Calm After the Storm
Noah's heart surgery went great, no complications whatsoever! What a relief! Now his heart is working like a normal one. The third defect actually closed on it's own too, so only one had to be closed off! Praise God! We had 2 amazing miracles with the defects repairing themselves and one miracle of surgical repair. It took me a while to see it in that way, but God works in many ways. We probably have a few more surgeries coming up (eyes and ears) so it's good that I've received that revelation!
I'm really learning how to live in the moment through all of this. Stressing out over what might come or what has already happened isn't working for me, so I'm trying to learn to be present and deal with today. It's really hard sometimes, I must admit. I think that is part of the wisdom of growing older though, now that I'm at the ripe old age of 30! Each medical decision has to be dealt with as it comes or else I get really overwhelmed. Plus it's hard to remember to trust in God's plan for today if I'm continually thinking about yesterday or tomorrow.
I'm now 7 months pregnant and baby Elijah will be here very soon!! After having the miscarriage last February, I've also dealt with several tough emotions during this pregnancy. It changes everything once you've lost a child. I still have a lot of sadness, but I just hold on to that vision of eternity spent with my baby and it helps. I am not really that nervous about the baby having birth defects since everything has looked great so far. Of course I would never choose that to happen again, but I know that I'm strong enough to handle more than I ever thought possible, so if there are challenges, I know I can make it.
Noah has taught me so much that I would've never known had we not been through these challenges the past two years, and that's God's grace in perfect form. He makes a way when there seems to be none, and gives us hope when we feel hopeless. Although there are days when I don't feel even close to thankful enough, in my heart, I know where my help comes from, and I am so happy to have that peace. "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth."
Thank you Lord for keeping Noah safe during surgery and healing his heart. We love you and give you eternal praise for the goodness you willingly give us every second of every day. Help me to remember to trust in You during those challenging days because I know You have Noah in the palm of your hand. First and foremost, he is Your son.
I'm really learning how to live in the moment through all of this. Stressing out over what might come or what has already happened isn't working for me, so I'm trying to learn to be present and deal with today. It's really hard sometimes, I must admit. I think that is part of the wisdom of growing older though, now that I'm at the ripe old age of 30! Each medical decision has to be dealt with as it comes or else I get really overwhelmed. Plus it's hard to remember to trust in God's plan for today if I'm continually thinking about yesterday or tomorrow.
I'm now 7 months pregnant and baby Elijah will be here very soon!! After having the miscarriage last February, I've also dealt with several tough emotions during this pregnancy. It changes everything once you've lost a child. I still have a lot of sadness, but I just hold on to that vision of eternity spent with my baby and it helps. I am not really that nervous about the baby having birth defects since everything has looked great so far. Of course I would never choose that to happen again, but I know that I'm strong enough to handle more than I ever thought possible, so if there are challenges, I know I can make it.
Noah has taught me so much that I would've never known had we not been through these challenges the past two years, and that's God's grace in perfect form. He makes a way when there seems to be none, and gives us hope when we feel hopeless. Although there are days when I don't feel even close to thankful enough, in my heart, I know where my help comes from, and I am so happy to have that peace. "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth."
Thank you Lord for keeping Noah safe during surgery and healing his heart. We love you and give you eternal praise for the goodness you willingly give us every second of every day. Help me to remember to trust in You during those challenging days because I know You have Noah in the palm of your hand. First and foremost, he is Your son.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Hard Day
As for me, I haven't had a good day. :( I am emotionally drained because we got more bad news with Noah's health. The ear doctor removed the tube that had started working it's way out of his left ear. (they were surgically placed to help drain fluid when he was 8 mos. old). After he got it out, he said that the ear drum had a hole in it from the tube. Bad news because this is the rare bad thing that can happen after getting tubes, like a 1% chance for it to not close. This was his good ear also. He has mild hearing loss in his right ear due to structural defects. So now we have to make sure the ear doesn't get wet or he could get a nasty infection. Anyone with a toddler in a tub knows how hard that is going to be. He has to have his hearing checked even more often because of risk of hearing loss. And the likelihood of it closing on it's own is very rare according to the doctor. He pretty much thought it was impossible, so surgery is probably going to have to be done to repair it. And often it takes a lot of tries to finally close it. That's the LAST thing I want to hear right now, more surgery!!! I hate that word! The doctor felt really bad since he knew about the heart surgery next week, he really cares for Noah and says he's never seen a child go through so many things in 2 years. So I have been broken about this all day. If this were all we had to deal with, it wouldn't feel so overwhelming, but it's always something new! I just want a break, is that selfish? I know we are blessed to have Noah alive, I know there are kids who are way more worse off, but this is my baby and I want to protect him. I feel so helpless, it's out of my control. I rely on my faith to get me through and it never lets me down, but days like today sure test it, and make me wonder why Noah has to go through so much.
He's such a sweet little guy and is so strong. I know this is much harder on me than him, but it makes me so sad when I can see the fear in his eyes because he knows that a doctor or nurse is going to do something to him. He's so timid with strangers and I know it's because he has been through so much. He doesn't trust anyone and I know it's probably temporary, but it's still sad that he is so defensive. I feel guilty even complaining, but I just feel like getting it off my chest is always helpful.
He's such a sweet little guy and is so strong. I know this is much harder on me than him, but it makes me so sad when I can see the fear in his eyes because he knows that a doctor or nurse is going to do something to him. He's so timid with strangers and I know it's because he has been through so much. He doesn't trust anyone and I know it's probably temporary, but it's still sad that he is so defensive. I feel guilty even complaining, but I just feel like getting it off my chest is always helpful.
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